Archive for the 'News of the weird' Category

31
Dec
08

Just a crappy way to end the year

A man covered in his own feces attacked a flight attendant on a trip to Omaha last Friday.  While we understand his desire to not go to Nebraska, there has to be a better way to get out of it.

He’s facing serious charges, which is just a crappy way to end the year.

05
Dec
08

News of the Weird, News of the World, News of…Whatever!

News of the Weird! Since it’s Friday…

In our never ending attempt to bring you the news from around the world that you may have missed, here is another bit of the written version of the famed last segment of our podcasts.

Story #1

The Kennedys would fit in perfectly in Australia.  Seems politicians in their most populous state have been voting drunk, so much so that they may soon have to take a breathalyser in order to vote.  At least they have that to blame for their stupid laws, all we have is stupid politicians.

Story #2

This one if from the “Really?!?!? REALLY?!?!” file.  A couple in Florida got into an argument over God knows what, but it ended with the man being arrested for assault with a hamburger.  It would seem this guy is a double jackass with cheese.  (Horrible pun, we know.)

Story #3

What do you get the person who has everything for Christmas?  Nothing, preferably.  But if you must get them something they may actually not have, how about something from the worst gift list, like the screaming rubber chicken or toilet putting kit?  Who doesn’t want to putt while dropping a deuce?

Story #4

Speaking of dropping a deuce, file this one under pain in the ass lawsuits.  A woman is suing a sports bar in New Jersey and a toilet manufacturer because her ass broke a toilet seat and she was stuck in the toilet itself for 20 minutes.  It took her 20 minutes to get her ass unstuck and 2 years to file suit.  The courts should flush this one, shit happens.

Story #5

Protect your head or the police will shoot you.  Police in Taiwan pulled their guns on a moped rider for not wearing a helmet.  This is the ultimate version of “If you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about.”

20
Jun
08

News of the Weird, News of the World, News of…Whatever!

News of the Weird!Since it’s Friday…

In our never ending attempt to bring you the news from around the world that you may have missed, here is another bit of the written version of the famed last segment of our podcasts

Story #1

Oh, the ironing. A man in Italy was upset about losing his girlfriend, which is normal, but he seemed to be more upset about losing a maid. Instead of trying to work it out with her through understanding, etc., he just decided to kidnap her from the local pub. As weird as that is, it gets weirder. Thankfully the douchebag didn’t rape or kill her, he just brought her home and threatened her into doing the dished and ironing his clothes. Seems as though she may have had a point with the break up. Since there are some women out there who tend to stick around when treated like shit, we fully expect a wedding announcement from this lovely couple just as soon as he gets out of jail. Movel Tov!

Story #2

Would you like your chicken with its hymen intact? Everyone has heard that Chinese food here is much different than Chinese food in China, but just how different is it? Seems like it’s really very different. With the Olympics fast approaching, the communist government has finally decided on new translations for the names of traditional dishes. Gone is the “chicken without sexual life” and in is “steamed pullet.” Shame, really. Now you have to order your chicken specifically without herpes. For the most part the new names are much more appetizing, but “bean curd made by pock-marked woman” still sounds more appealing than “mapo tofu.”

Story #3

The women in the AXE body spray ads should be doing life! If you’re going to commit a crime you probably shouldn’t do it in Singapore. A man was sentenced to 14 years in jail and 18 cane whips on his ass for sniffing the armpits of women throughout area. The article also uses the word “molest” but doesn’t specify anything beyond the armpit sniffing. Whatever the issue, the dude’s got some problems upstairs and, since he’s going away for a while, will probably soon have some problems downstairs, too. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Story #4

Why isn’t Al Gore protesting in Russia? The Russians, in an attempt to control the weather (not in a Bond villain way, but with Putin around who can really be sure) have seeding the clouds around national holidays for years in an attempt to make sure the skies are clear for the celebrations (read: Russians getting more drunk than normal) for years, and without incident (or at least that’s what they say). Well, they finally had one. A 55 pound bag of cement crashed through the roof of a house in Moscow because it failed to pulverize and strip the clouds of moisture. Showing that all of Russia hasn’t given up on Western Values, the homeowner refused the $2,100 offer from the Air Force and is opting to sue instead for damages and “moral suffering.” John Edwards is considering taking the case.

Story #5

Loyalty is one thing, this is something else. In Romania, a village has reelected a dead man to be mayor. While the dead have been a key constituent for the Democrats for years, the dead candidate has yet to catch on…yet. One villager expressed the feelings of the whole, what can only be backwards town when he said, “I know he died, but I don’t want change.” These was no indication as to whether the logical follow up question of, “Well, last term he was alive, now he’s dead. Isn’t that change?” was asked, but that kind of change is clearly the type of change that guy can believe in.

06
May
08

If you can’t stand the heat, don’t break into the kitchen.

Dumb criminals are great!  The stories they give us are endless and the person they generally harm is themselves, so thanks for that.  Along that line, Jason Hammond was attempting to break into a restaurant called Mandarin by climbing through one of the vents, only he picked the wrong one.  He ended up getting stuck in the vent below the stove, nearly cooking himself. 

Needless to say, Mr. Hammond tried to claim he just fell into the vent while trying to let off some steam (you can’t make this stuff up) after a fight with his wife.  Oddly enough the police didn’t buy it.

02
May
08

News of the Weird, News of the World, News of…Whatever!

News of the Weird!Since it’s Friday…

In our never ending attempt to bring you the news from around the world that you may have missed, here is another bit of the written version of the famed last segment of our podcasts

Story #1

Hey buddy, want to buy some old poop?  Fossilized dinosaur dung sold for $960 at a New York auction this week.  Upon closing the sale, the buyer smacked himself in the head and said, ” I could’ve had a V8, or at least not wasted money on crap that is now a rock.”

Story #2

Everyone has hear someone say, “Man, that car’s got some balls!”  Well, one Florida lawmaker, apparently from the safest place on earth since he has time to deal with this, wants to neuter cars, figuratively.  He has introduced a bill that would ban trailer hitch testicles from cars because he finds them offensive.  Probably reminds him of what he lost somewhere along the way…

Story #3

Talk about a dream job, being paid to drink.  A man in England was looking for a drinking buddy for his eldery dad, so he took out an ad.  Offering $14 an hour plus expenses, needless to say, he found a couple of people for the job.  Damn!

Story #4

How often do you have to pick your nose in public before you “known for it?”  A Taiwanese lawmaker aparently did it a lot because that’s how his political career is being eulogized.  Aside from someone whose hand you would never want to shake, his other charming traits include sleeping on the job, shoving journalists and shouting at people.  He will not be missed.

Story #5

The title sounds like the name of a porno horror movie: “Penis theft panic hits city…” but it’s real.  In Congo police are arresting witch doctors for stealing “members.”  Not really, they aren’t running off this bags full of dongs, it’s in the minds of the victims (seriously), but still, a headline worthy of the New York Post.

21
Mar
08

News of the Weird, News of the World, News of…Whatever!

News of the Weird!In our never ending attempt to bring you the news from around the world that you may have missed, here is another bit of the written version of the famed last segment of our podcasts.

Story #1

Gambling is, well, a gamble, that’s why it’s called gambling, and while ATM machines seem like gambling sometimes, what with their fees and all, this ATM in northern England was anything but a gamble.  For several hours, as long as the cash lasted, it gave out double the money by mistake.  Needless to say, it attracted a crowd.  The company that owns the machine said that it appeared the machine had malfunctioned.  You think?

Story #2

Here’s a bit of advice for thieves looking to make a quick getaway – don’t forget to take your kid when you run out of the store.  Better yet, unlike this idiot in Amsterdam, don’t bring your kid with you if you’re planning on committing a crime.

Story #3

If you want to keep something safe and secret, here’s a bit of advice – make sure it doesn’t end up in the trash on a public street.  Canadian officials are probing how plans for their new secret headquarters for their anti-terror unit ended up in the trash, found by a passer-by.  We suspect they were thrown out because they didn’t have anything to do with hockey or beer.

Story #4

You might think our election process is getting odd, but that’s nothing compared to what they’re seeing in Taiwan.  Candidates for President are running ads with hamburgers, fried chicken, men urinating, and much more.  While it sometimes feels like our elections are in the toilet, at least they aren’t literally…yet.

Story #5

We’ve all heard stories of how certain people insure parts of their body they’re famous for for millions of dollars, right?  Well, this one takes it a bit far, in our opinion.  A wine maker and taster in Bordeaux, France, has insured his nose for $8 million, just in case he were to ever lose his sense of smell.  First, how could you prove he’s lying if he claims he lost his sense of smell?  (We could come up with some fun tests.)  Second, is his policy void if he picks it?  Couldn’t that be like suicide if he did it too hard?

07
Mar
08

News of the Weird, News of the World, News of…Whatever!

News of the Weird!In our never ending attempt to bring you the news from around the world that you may have missed, here is another bit of the written version of the famed last segment of our podcasts.

Story #1

Now that’s a test drive!  Why rent a car when you can just take one on a 2000 mile test drive?  That’s the question an Australian man asked himself this week.  His answer, while making sense to him, didn’t go over too well with the car dealer, or the police.

Story #2

We’re all for living forever, but we’re just not sure a mayor can order you to do it.  A cemetery in southwest France is full, suppose that happens sometimes (people, after all, have been dying for years), but the mayor has issued the following order: “all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish.”  Hmm, we’re thinking that collecting on the tickets issued for breaking that order will be tough to collect.

Story #3

The moral of our third story is this: If you’re going to rob the bank at which you work, make sure you’re either single or your spouse is very happy to be married to you.  You’d think the woman who stole $1.68 million from her work would at least have the sense to pay off her soon to be ex-husband to make him an accomplice.

Story #4

How do you get cuts in line for hell?  Accuse Moses of being high when he heard the voice of God and received the 10 Commandments.  While wandering the in desert would lead anyone to seek distraction, it doesn’t seem likely a bunch of junkies could stay together very long, let alone change the world.

Story #5

From “Save the Whales” to “Fillet the Whales”?  You know global warming has jumped the shark when people start using it as an excuse to justify anything.  Prime example: a Norwegian pro-whaling lobby (no, we didn’t make that up) claims harpooning Shamu is better for the planet than farming livestock.  We’ll stick with steak, thanks.