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It’s been a long 3 weeks of voting but we finally have a winner for Douchebag of the Year! The voting was closer for runner-up than it was for first because our douchebag was such a jackass in 2007. First, a few words about our runners-up.
With the least amount of votes was a group of people that would have done much better were there not such stiff competition from so many this year because they helped tarnish the national pastime, not by their personal use of steriod, but by their acceptance of it by others. That’s right, in last place was Bud Selig and Major League Baseball owners.
Next is a man you won’t be hearing much about soon because, well, most people don’t want anything to do with him. John Edwards did come in second last night in Iowa, but only by the narrowest of margins. He should soon fade into obscurity where his class-warfare rhetoric belongs. Though, with an ego the size of his, expect him to return in 4 years and run risk of becoming the William Jennings Bryan of Democratic primaries. Until then, he will have plenty of time to do his hair.
In 8th place is the man at the forefront of the steroid controversy in baseball, the new homerun king*, Barry Bonds. After having sworn for years that he didn’t take steroids and his single-season and career homerun records would not be tainted, it turns out he was on the juice. Anyone who has watched Barry over the years noticed that something was off about him as he blew up like the inner-tube of a 10-speed, but he always denied it. Now he’s facing serious federal charges and the stigma that goes along with getting caught cheating. The real shame of it all is Barry was great baseball player and would’ve been a Hall of Famer without the juice…
What can be said about Harry Reid that hasn’t already been said about Neville Chamberlain? Displaying the can’t-do spirit that has made France the military super-powder they are today, Reid pronounced every bit of good news from Iraq as dead as his leadership in the US Senate. Fortunately for the country, Reid’s ability to predict the future in Iraq isn’t nearly as good as his ability to make millions off shady land deals due to his position in the Senate. We look forward to Harry making his way higher up the list next year.
In sixth place is Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Continually voting for surrender, both in Iraq and of our hard-earned money to government, Speaker Pelosi got next to nothing she set out to accomplish done last year, and we’re a stronger nation for it. Refusing to meet with General David Petraeus to discuss progress in Iraq was just one of her many capitulations to the extreme Left of her party, but even that wasn’t enough. Being challenged in this coming November’s election by none other than Cindy Sheehan, things keep looking down for the Speaker. While she’ll easily win reelection thanks to her family’s money (which comes from companies that don’t allow workers to unionize, by the way), she will also continue to fail in her drive to spread “San Francisco values” to the rest of the country. But that won’t stop her from trying…
Number 5 is Code Pink. What can be said about Code Pink that hasn’t already been said about a crazy person screaming obscenities at the air at a bus stop? Any organization that prides itself on exercising their right to free speech by attempting to deny that right to others by disrupting public events has a special place in douchebag hell waiting for them.
Jabba the Commie, aka Michael Moore, comes in a strong 4th. His movie Sicko blew the lid off, well, nothing. The American people weren’t interested in watching Moore espouse the virtues of Cuba’s health care system over ours. They also weren’t interested in paying $12 to see a movie that preached the joys of Socialism made by a multi-millionaire who once owned stock in both Halliburton and several drug companies. Moore helped inspire this award 3 and half years ago (long before First Friday) when we were doing a weekly radio show for our former employer. Back then it was Hypocrate of the Week because what employer would allow Douchebag of the Week, but in production meetings it was. And is soon became clear that Moore was beat every week.
Hillary Rodham Clinton takes the bronze this year, a position she is used to after Iowa. There are so many ways in which to point out HRC’s douchebaggery that to list any is to cheapen her accomplishments by not be able to list them all. You already know her story; attempting to have it every way on issues by not saying anything, refusing to release her documents, claiming credit for anything good her husband did as President while washing her hands of anything negative, running a “positive” campaign while attacking anyone who was in her way. Watch her flying monkeys attack Obama over the next few weeks while she attempts to “be positive.” So much to say, so little time.
Taking the silver metal is group that, unlike our other runners-up who spread their douche-yness out throughout the year, pretty much solidified their position with move that will live in douchebag infamy. When MoveOn.org placed their severely discounted for no known reason full-page ad in the New York Timescalling General David Petraeus General Betray-Us, they pretty much pissed off everyone except those who had already drank their surrender Kool-Aid. They were forced to go dark for pretty much the rest of the year, resurfacing only to try to regain some credibility and get some good PR by giving phone cards to the USO to distribute to our troops. It didn’t work. They will be back next year with more of the same, and thank God for that.
The envelope, please.
The winner, by your votes, and our first Douchebag of the Year is none other than Al Gore! Often called an Oscar winner, even though he isn’t (the subject of a documentary doesn’t win the Oscar, the producers do, which he was not), Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing peace to, er, for attempting to bring peace to, no, wait…um, for talking about peace? Well, no. For making a boat load of money private-jetting around the world to talk about the damage living like he does is doing to the planet. The accomplishments of Gore this year would take too long to list and we’d be played off the stage by the orchestra if we tried, but they can be found here.
Congratulations to Al Gore, and all our runners-up for great year of douchebaggery. We expect great things from all of you in the future, we don’t want them, but we expect them. Congratulations. Drink up, because the Kool-Aid isn’t going to drink itself!